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04 November 2010 @ 08:48 am
ohai lj  
Mmmm, computer time. So rare! So precious! So ... early. But! Thanks to the melatonin (and despite the fact that I closed last night and had to be up again at balls o'clock this morning) I woke up without that perpetual fog (and living under) that makes it hard to get up without nine or more hours of sleep -- which are harder and harder to come by.

So I've been taking time-release B-12 for that, but so far not a lot of good. I've managed to nearly quit smoking (well, I'll have a few before bed, derp, but nothing at all until the sun goes down at least so that's something!), but -- yeah. The last several months have been hell for trying to concentrate on anything, and I've retreated from just about all human contact. (Went out with some friends Thursday for karaoke, and didn't realize until nearly closing time that I'd managed to squirrel myself away into the back of the bar with my weird ... whiskey bourbon lemonade ... thing. Of course, there's likely also the fact that I don't even like bars or alcohol, and bar crowds are interesting but ultimately nothing I want anything to do with.) Nothing can keep my attention for more than an hour at most these days beyond hiding somewhere with a book.

I think it's that I feel like time is running out. I'm twenty-seven now, and I've done none of the things I want to do, and I'm horrified with the idea of this job I hate becoming a lifetime-thing. I'm homesick for Montana in terrible ways. I want kids, and I want them soon, but I don't want them surrounded with the gut-wrenching poverty that I grew up in (not that there's a chance, but the SO does have a point, and moving out of this hole becomes a lot harder once there's kids and related expenses involved.) So -- yeah. Tons of stress and worrying, little outcome but making me a nervous wreck, I guess.

Taking some tentative steps, at least, towards ... something. I've sent to Yavapai about courses I can take in website design (I guarantee I'll pass the basic and possibly intermediate classes on skill unless they require those classes because fuck you) which aren't plentiful but might have things I haven't picked up on my own. I've picked up some more recent XML/CSS/HTML guides to see what's been revised recently, picked up a PHP/Javascript/MySQL book so I can try to get the basics of that, which is expensive but also fulfilling, and dug around a bit into the new and exciting things you can do with CSS3 and HTML5 (the latter of which sounds kind of terrifying, but wtf it's html and that's easy) and uh ... yeah.

Also, job hunting. It'd be nice (haha) to stay with Sears for the remainder of my time in-state, but I'm still having a hard time swallowing being promised the job as shoe lead and having to find out they'd hired someone else, from someone else, in the lunch line (and then hearing the store manager say 'I didn't promise her anything', which -- no, I suppose I didn't get it written in blood, because I trusted my manager to not be a liar). I mean, sure, maybe you found someone you really thought would be a better person in that position (she isn't), but at least tell me, like we've always told anyone who didn't get the job they applied for, and don't keep me hanging for a month thinking I was finally out of this wreck of a position.

Plus, I really really do not look forward to yet another Christmas season in retail, which is hell in all ways. I was hoping for a bit more luck, but despite the amount of jobs, wages are still terribly low, and I can't just ditch my job for a minimum wage lark, no matter how shitty the one I have is. :|

...wow. -__- But I feel a tiny bit better letting it out somewhere, I suppose. I hope your year is going much better, and that NaNos are being smooth and playing along. Good luck!
Current Music: A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover